needing is one thing, and gettin', gettin's another

Haven't written in a while I guess, that's how it usually goes.. Life's been pretty insane and I'm not sure I should even be taking the time to write right now, either, but sometime's it's just good to write a little and get things out of your system. I guess I'm not sure what to say. This semester has been pretty crazy. Hockey is all over the place- practice changes time and location a million times per day, so you never know where you're ending up for the afternoon or when you'll get home. I really love working with hockey though and I'm slowly getting to know some of the guys. This weekend is the Camp Randall Classic, held outdoors, and it is definitely going to be really interesting. We were supposed to practice out on that sheet all this week but the ice isn't coming in so well so it's barely been touched. Hopefully it's even ready for Saturday, but who knows at this point. I am excited to get the opportunity to work at this game.. they are not very common and I love hockey. I'm just sad I have to miss the track meet at Stevens Point because I like that track a lot and I really want to chip in on my mile PR.

I've also been trying to coach the girls distance squad for my club. It's been quite a challenge, from making sure the workouts are right for the right people and that it's the proper time during the season for certain things. Then there's the whole coralling everyone and getting people to listen to what you say long enough to avoid mass confusion. Monday I had to deal with people pushing to start the workout while I was still trying to talk to the new people and answer their questions. Veterans on the team would not calm down and just wait a few minutes for me to finish talking, and my group started without me so I did the workout alone, and it was massively chaotic. After my first 200 I had a longer than normal rest because one of the girls did something to her quad, after the next one there was another issue and so on. This is really going to be a huge dent on my season if it keeps up like this.. Because, I realize, that in order to fully be a coach, I need to not be trying to do a workout while the girls are also doing a workout. It's too hard to focus on my interval but also be trying to zero in on what 15-20 other girls are doing at the same time, what times they are running, if they are keeping together with their groups, not going too fast, and whatever.

This is definitely going to prove to be a huge challenge, and that fact is becoming more apparent every day. I don't know how naively I considered a coach's job to be, before trying to be one. It's on your mind all the time, thinking about everything and making sure everyone's ok and doing what is appropriate for their current fitness. From the outside it looks so easy, words effortlessly form a workout and maybe some touch advice, and everyone sets off and does the workout no problem.

I was really wrong about that, and I can't believe what type of time commitment coaching is. I don't mind it, I like being the point person for something, it just freaks me out that I might not know exactly what I'm doing. This is good practice, though, for the days in the future (if I don't flunk my certification exam) when I will have to come up with rehab and training programs for athletes in an athletic training setting. So I think this will end up ok, otherwise I will have to seriously consider my life; even though, I think, coaching a team this size is a bit more of a macrocosm of what I would be doing in a training room. This will still be a really good experience for me, especially with getting used to talking to a bunch of different people and learning how to communicate with them all effectively. I know I definitely am not the best communicator as it is so the more I get comfortable with it I think the better my future can be.

So, it's a really interesting experience but it driving me to crazy stress levels, since coaching can obviously be a job on it's own.. then coupled with school and athletic training for the hockey team has just made things extremely.... volatile.. If that can be permitted to vaguely describe how I feel about the situation. I need to be busy and active or I start thinking about crap I shouldn't or I get lonely, or stupid junk like that, but sometimes it's almost too much, bouncing from one thing to the other with hardly and break between and then getting home and still having to somehow focus on homework.. it's been rough getting homework done. Focusing on reading my physiology book, for example, is nearly impossible.

I think to a certain extent I am overly exaggerating things so that it sounds like I am completely complaining about everything but don't get me wrong - I'm not. I adore hockey and getting the chance to work with them, and I'm enjoying the opportunity to coach my team.

This past weekend I raced at Carthage with a few folks from my team. I ran the mile in 5:26, which is an "official" PR by a second. I could have gone a lot, lot faster. I just don't know what's holding me back. I was racing and I knew that my legs felt great and I could feel them just surging under me full of strength to go faster than I currently was.... but I just DIDN'T. I just stayed where I was. I don't know if there's some sort of mental block holding me back from going faster but it's bugging me since indoor feels like it's nearly over already. I can't go this weekend, next weekend I'm racing at the illinois relays, which I am kind of grumpy about just because I want an open mile on my birthday not a fucking relay; then the following weekend I need to be at the hockey game but I might be able to race at the shell then show up late. Then I'll go to a last chance meet probably the steven's point one because I love that track.. but I was thinking of running a 3k there.. so who the fuck knows.

I'm sorry, I think I just have way too much of an obsession with the mile..

Either way I guess I will see how things turn out. It was a cozy little meet with just 10 or so of us at Carthage. My mile was nice.. I went out hard let some girls past, passed two back and the only girl who beat me ran a 5:17. I don't think there's any reason I shouldn't have been there with her, honestly, so that kind of grinds on my nerves a little. Who knows. I'm due for a decent PR sometime...... I hope?

Anyway after aome of the races I jumped in on a cooldown with the boys because I really love the little path that goes alongside the lake there, I think I would love living there just for that path, but maybe that's a bit excessive on the emotions haha. Anyway, they ran around 8min/mile pace which I had a lot of trouble with. I haven't run that slow in forever, so I had to physically alter my stride in order to patter along at that pace. I didn't mind it though, I enjoy running with guys because they don't chatter endlessly about stupid things the way girls do. Or, maybe they do normally and they just never do when I'm around them.... Either way. Haha.

Anyways that's about it for right now.. Should really try to do some homework. Blahh..