Musing about random tidbits of life

I've been doing a lot of talking and thinking lately to try to come to terms with the oddities of people and of the world itself, as I am wont to do every so often when I feel the need to write randomly and exploit my vocabulary and the natural flow of words. [awful run-on, sue me] It's not anything particularly unique to one person but rather a set of attributes that apply not only to a wide variety of people but to myself as well.

Why is it so hard, I guess, to come to terms with emotions, and thoughts? Why are people so unwilling in certain instances to tell a person how they are actually feeling, good or bad? Why can't a boy just tell a girl, hey I like you. It's not a signed contract. It's just nice to know someone can feel for you and trust you enough with their feelings so as to share them with you. I just feel that a lot of people have trouble admitting this, and I am getting so frustrated with people who show interest in you, or act a certain way towards you, but when it comes to "admitting" to it, to putting things into words, they'd rather say anything than the truth. They'd rather turn and almost hide from it.

In all honesty, I just want to know what people are thinking. Don't most people? Not just about relationships, about anything. If you think I suck because I do something a certain way, tell me. Why are there so many divorces nowadays? People are so challenged when it comes to adequately describing what they think of their spouse - or anyone for that matter. Instead of saying, "hey, honey, this one thing you do just bothers me, can we work out some sort of compromise?" the person holds it inside and doesn't tell the other person, lets other things build up, and finally after years of just holding it within (or possibly only complaining to other people about it) they can't stand the person they at one time claimed to love. This applies to your job, your friendships, to anything. You find something at work that you JUST CAN'T STAND. Instead of talking to your boss and addressing it, you keep it inside, or complain about it to coworkers but not change is effected because no one with the power to make said change is aware one is even desired. All it takes is communication.

Because honestly, if you can't trust someone enough with your opinion of them, or feelings about them, then why do you want to be with them, or why do you esteem them in the first place? If you honestly don't think you can tell someone what you think of them without the fear that "they'll take it the wrong way" or "they won't understand" or "they will hate you forever" or "it'll just screw everything up" then you're either doing it wrong, not fully explaining it, or it's just not meant to be. Because really, I believe everyone should have the capacity for open communication with others. And obviously, that isn't possible. Obviously in this world, people are more comfortable texting someone random tidbits instead of calling and having a full conversation (Myself included). And, then, some people are just raised a certain way, or just... aren't good at communicating. It takes work. That's how relationships of any sort work (friendship, what-have-you).

And I'm not saying I'm good at this either. I'm terrified when it comes to looking someone in the face and telling them exactly what's going on in my head, unless I've absolutely reached a point where I can't with-hold the information any longer, or I absolutely trust them beyond anything. It's just scary. It is. For anyone. But I feel like explaining, "hey, saying this to you is difficult, because I'm worried I won't explain it properly.." or something lets the other person know a little more about your position. Just walking up to someone and saying, "hey THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS" might make them angry, or upset, because they don't know the full context, or what you're trying to explain.

It's so frustrating for me. Because at times you can tell what a person is hinting at but they won't say it. Or they will act a certain way but they can't just say it. If you like something just say it. If you DON'T like something, just SAY IT. Then you don't have to deal with it anymore. If you're just with someone because you're afraid to break up with them, that's asinine. You're afraid to hurt them? It's going to hurt ten times later when you eventually DO break up, and they find out "yeah, I haven't been that in to you for the last 5 months of our relationship." Figure it out and ship out.

The quicker you deal with things the quicker they can be resolved, for better or worse. This goes back to the divorce example. You build up something that becomes so twisted and just, negatively associated in your head, that you can't stand to be around someone anymore.. when you could have on the outset said, hey, this bothers me. Can we do something about it? and if the person doesn't care you're bothered well, they're the wrong person for you right then and there, not twenty years later when you finally explode and run off to Cancun amidst some crazy life crisis.


I would much prefer to know my faults outright than to find out in a roundabout way that some person has hated me for a million years for some random action I may not be aware I'm doing. I'm willing to compromise.

Overall, it appears that the reason most people don't want to put themselves out there, is they don't want to be judged. Even by those they consider so close to them! People can be so judgmental and keen on forming opinions - and placing labels on people (consciously or not) - that of course the task of putting a viable opinion forth is daunting. Of course, I dislike that. Most people dislike that. I don't like that putting my opinion forth results in people judging or labeling to a certain extent, unless of course the label is "accurate" (which, I feel, can never entirely be true because life and people are so transient at times - and they DO change) because I feel like I have not been fully understood. On the same token, this fear is not usually great enough to prevent me from expressing my opinion because I just like to talk and express myself.

I just like to be honest, and I get bothered when others aren't.


Also - Have you ever thought about the reality or actual existence of money? In the digital age, you likely get your paycheck auto-deposited into your bank account, and you use a credit card to decrease that number in your bank account, but it's really a number. And sure- it represents some sort of amount that you supposedly own yourself. But what about millionaires? Do the banks really have THAT much money sitting around? Maybe they do. What about financial aid? It's all transferred electronically. A scholarship check is sent in the mail to the University, just numbers, applied to your account. These numbers take away from more numbers (tuition applied to your account), and then they tell you, you still owe this number. So you send in a check with more numbers written on it, or maybe even use a credit card online, sending more NUMBERS. Maybe I don't understand it properly, but it's amusing to think about. So many people put so much stock into money and it's just NUMBERS. It's not an entirely tangible concept anymore.