Genes

I went to the Emmerich family reunion on Saturday in Franksville, only a few miles away from where their and my entire family had made its Wisconsin beginnings many years ago.

I didn't know any of these people, simply for the fact that they were my grandfather's biological family-- he was adopted in 1935-- and therefore, none of us had really met any of them before. I had gone there with an expectation of easily gleaning from these people little details from the past which I could put together and help fashion my story out of; I had hoped they would know something about these people I know only the names and dates of. But I found that despite my trying to explain to them what I knew about our common past, I found that they didn't understand. I could only relate to them in people who had lived a hundred years ago or more and it was silly of me to expect that they people would have a similar conception of our past.

So now I question whether or not what I do is really worth the time and energy, the relentless searching for facts. I was faced with a certain realization that I am the only person alive who knows as much (collectively) about all of these people at once. What I mean by this is, there are people who know perhaps about one branch of family, or a few people in particular.. but no one has the grasp I do on my family's past, and no one else seems to really care. Maybe that is a mis-step. People certainly care, as in, I tell someone in the family that her great-great grandfather did this or that, they say "Oh! Isn't that lovely. That's very interesting;" they simply don't grasp the entirety of the picture...and of course I can't either, since I didn't live then, I didn't witness these things happening.. but to most people things I tell them are just words, they don't mean anything. and that is the problem with genealogy. I could find any article in the world and what is it in reality?? Just words. I have no specific evidence making this event true- I was not there, I did not see it. I have to rely on shoddy documents or no documents at all to piece together lives that otherwise are defined simply by a name, a birth date, a deathdate.

Nobody else keeps this information straight. If anything, they might ask me... oh, this person.. what did they do? But then I find myself asked the same question by the same person and I wonder why they are even asking.

I'm not really sure where this was going; I'm just grumpy and I feel like railing against a bunch of things. Its one of my ridiculous moods, I spose. I guess I've just come to a realization lately that I am very consistent and I like things to stay consistent. I like people who are consistent and follow through with what they say they will do because I try to always do that-- but almost no one does. The world is full of disappointments and I just feel like no one is strictly dependable. So starts a cycle of me, trying to make myself most readily available and consistently there for people that I become a rug for them just to come wipe their muddy feet on every once in a while. There are certain people that I always want to be able to help them or do whatever I can to make them happy or at least a little less upset, but then I realize I don't really have anyone like that. I don't think that I really have someone that if I go to them, 100% of the time they will be there. Me, in my messed up little mind, finds that people are my first priority-- the people I don't hate, that is, and I do surely hate quite a large amount of people. I always have trouble with these nonsensical contradictions, but then, when finding no solution, I simply give up and let things reign as they have for years. But why... why do I prioritize everyone, when no one prioritizes me?

How hard is it really, to do what you are supposed to do? Why bother saying you will do this, or do that, if indeed it wasn't worth the time of saying it because you won't end up doing it? That exudes pointlessness.

Additionally, I get bothered when things need to repeated over and over and don't understand when people have to tell me the same thing three or four times as if I have not been told this information before. Sure, sometimes I forget I have this appointment or that obligation-- but I generally write those things down. But honestly? I try to make a point of knowing whether or not I have already told a certain person a certain bit of information just because I know how irritating it is to me, but the problem is, these other people probably NEED to be told said information again because they have not retained it. The added problem is that I get bored with the same information after a while, too, so I have no desire to repeat information and thus am irritated when I have to repeat information I would rather not repeat--- This is just my dislike for pointless activities, of which category repeating already stated info belongs in.

I don't know, sometimes, what people DO retain, in all honesty. If they always have to be told the same thing, what the hell is it that they DO know? Do they hold on to basic facts like "my name is Jade. I am four. I love fish." ?? Or what? Are people really that preoccupied with life or something? What is it?

The following has nothing to do with this but simply made me laugh: I saw a little boy the other day. Someone asked his name, but he automatically assumed they were asking how old he was so he at first held up four fingers, punching the air triumphantly, until the words pierced his brain and contorted into understanding of the actual question put forth. His face screwed up as he realized he his automatic response, and then he quietly answered that his name was Preston.

I put myself on automatic just so I don't have to think. I have a routine. I wake up I shower, eat, internets, then work. I fill the same water bottle, bag, eat the same food. Just so I don't have to disturb myself. At work, I do the same thing over and over and like the simpler things just because I don't want to be bothered with it. Just because its boring - - just like everything else. I don't know why it bothers me so much when my routine gets interrupted even slightly. I don't understand that.