dont read this.. I'm in an extremely dark mood

So this is just plain going to be a rant because I've been extremely agitated and upset all week and I'm not particularly sure why. I think I'm upset that this might be the end of my last track season, and I'm really upset at the prospect of my chem final. I don't understand anything and have gotten around 44% on two of the three exams this semester (the middle one I got 80% on.. yeah..). I haven't had time to study because I had a fucking research paper due today for my history class, and I haven't had time to even think. And I don't even fucking CARE about chemistry, I am so over that class.. but I have to. I am so upset that I am going to end up with a C in that class. its a FIVE CREDIT CLASS. Seriously. I don't think that even if I got an A on my final I could get a BC.. and I might even get a D in the class if I do bad enough on the fucking final. But there's nothing I can do. I have run out of time on this class and I've fucking failed half of the shit for it. I will be lucky to get a C. And my stupid fucking TA doesn't help. She's fucking bullshit. She couldn't even show us how to do some problems this week. Are you serious? They were homework problems assigned to us as students, and she couldn't fucking figure them out. All of the other TAs seem to know everything very well and they are able to effectively convey this information to their students. My TA, is a fucking joke, has no idea whats going on and just confuses us about what little we do understand. How are we supposed to learn under those circumstances? It should not be my responsibility to devote even MORE extra time to trying to learn what she was unable to teach us all semester, because then what is the fucking point of going to discussion? I expect to be taught shit then, not on my Non-class time. That's bullshit.

I am so fucking pissed that after all of the time and effort I have spent on this stupid fucking class, that I am going to get a fucking C in it. Its fucking bullshit. The last exam we took was bullshit and I should have gotten another 80% on it but I didn't have time to finish it. This one, I severely doubt we will have enough time to finish it as she plans to pack twice as many problems and shit as is on a normal exam, into a two hour time period. FUCK THIS. I should be doing my stupid notecard for the fucking final but I'm so agitated that all I can think about is how fucked I am and how pissed I am that I spent so many fucking hours of my life on chemistry this semester only to fucking fail. And to me, a C is a failing grade, because its awful and its not a good grade at all.

What's better, is that the final is 7:45am on Sunday. And I am going to Twilight tomorrow, and I am going to my team's cookout, and I'm staying as late as it goes, and I hope someone has a keg or something. I don't care if I show up wasted to the fucking exam. That's how fucking sick I am of the bullshit. I am sick of chemistry pervading every open space in my life.. I don't like chemistry, and I obviously don't understand whatever we were doing this semester. I am not sacrificing time with my team to study for an exam that I have no chance on in the first place, because that's just not even worth it.

I'm also pissed because I have my history final on Monday, which I haven't done over half of the reading for because I have spent all of my time this semester on chemistry and physics. The history final won't be graded harshly, but I still don't know any of the material at all and have to somehow learn all of it on Sunday when I finish my chemistry exam (as soon as I finish burning the fucking chem book).

I've been so upset this week because I am so disappointed in myself for failing so badly. I messed up with Chemistry and I am extremely upset about it and this whole week I have been dragging and depressed, and I skipped work tuesday, thursday and today because I thought it would help to stay home and study. It hasn't done much for me at all. I don't even fucking know. I'm just so upset over how fucked over I got this semester. I'm upset at how much I failed at making myself focus and learn the material, and my utter disregard for some things.

I'm also pissed at my computer. it has been slower than shit since I got the new harddrive which is completely idiotic considering it now has less on it than it did before, and its brand new. Yesterday it decided to tell me that I am using a stolen version of windows or something.. or that is isnt valid and I may be a victim of "software counterfeiting" or something.. WTF. It keeps telling me to "activate windows." none of this has happened before in teh past month since I got the new harddrive so I have no fucking clue what is going on. Something DoIT did apparently. I dont have time to deal with it.

I also discovered today that I just got charged $20 for some stupid service I signed up for back when I was reinstalling things on my computer when I got the new harddrive. I got tricked into this thing which apparently has a trial offer then charges you as soon as its over.. well obviously i havent been paying attention to any trial offer.. and I can't cancel the account till monday because apparently I have to call them... and they aren't going to refund me... and they possibly will charge me another $20.. which is fucking TRASH. Yes, I totally have the fucking money to give you for this shit I dont even want. Fuck you. Seriously.

I'm pissed because my legs have felt lethargic today, and I'm scared I'm not going to PR tomorrow at Twilight. I have to PR. I have to run 4:50 or below. If I don't, I'm going to be even more upset with myself than I already am. I'm just overall really angry with myself. I'm angry with who I am. I hate how awful I am all the time, how mean I come off to everyone. I'm angry at what people think about me when I run ahead of them, faster, in practice, because I want to be good. I'm angry that every email I send to him is obnoxious and annoying. my attempts at wit are stupid and pointless. that my thoughts are full of angry rebukes against everyone I see and that I automatically reach the worst conclusion about each situation; that every person is an idiot. I'm mad when I trick myself into believing there's something there when there isn't. WHy can't I be a normal person? Why can't I be someone that people like to be around, that people want to talk to, that guys want to date? someone that isn't awful and gets annoyed at everything, and stressed out by everything? I hate how similar I am to my mother.. she's just like this and now she lives a bitter, broken down & lonely existence. I don't want to be her at all, but I am her daughter. I say always that I will change that I will be better that I will beat her, all I wanted to do was get into college, nothing she ever did, so I did , I beat her, but not matter what I'm turning out like her anyways and I fucking hate it. I hate that absolutely no one likes me or likes to be around me except a few close friends, and I hate that even I can't stand how awful I am. I constantly remind myself of my many faults and I think about trying to change them but I dont have the willpower, or I just dont know how. Why can't I be outgoing and lively, someone who always has something interesting to say? I jsut don't undersnad why I am such an awful fucking person. I don't get it. I don't know waht I have to do anymore, and I hate it. I hate that I dont have motivation for anything except sitting around doing nothing and relaxing. I dont understand why my mind is constantly blurry and feels like its missing everything that's going on around me.. I zone out and don't understand everything. I jump to conclusions and think I am right automatically.. I do so many fucking stupid things that I can't even believe. I am a letdown, plain and simple, in every extent. I don't understand the ugly mood I am in, I don't understand why I can't be a better person. Why am I harsh and critical of everyone when I myself am no better? Why can't I do anything right? Why aren't I doing better in school, how can I be about to get a C in chemistry and a BC or worse in physics? I can't stand the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that is consuming me right now when I think about my chemistry exam. I don't honestly believe that there is any reason to study for it, I feel that nothing will help me now nor a week ago, not if I had all of the time in the world and not if I could have forced myself to start studying then. I'm so angry at myself for this, for the impossible situation I got myself into this semester. I hate that I am nothing at the end of the day, that I am just an unpleasant person. I have so much pent up frustration about everything. I'm just tired of being alone and having nothing to live for.